During an impromptu family reunion, I found myself
surrounded by generations of mothers. I became intrigued as to the different
societal expectations and experiences endured by both my 52 year old mom and my 71 year old grandmother.
Each were raised in the same rural, conservative Georgia town and I was curious to
compare the child raising experience of my mother, to that of my grandmother.
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| My mother and grandmother. |
I asked each the same eight questions.
Their answers revealed the generational differences in perception of education,
birth control, and several political issues surrounding mothering. A common
thread in both responses was the belief in
the importance of love and the enduring strength in the mother/child
bond. The following interview illustrates how a mother’s love transcends
generations.
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1. What influenced or made you want to become a mother?
My Mother:
"I was a reluctant mother. Actually, I thought I would not have children and was married for almost 13 years before I had my first child---you. Thinking back, I don’t recall a magical “this is the time to start a family" moment. Since I married at such a young age (18) it was important to me to complete my undergraduate and graduate studies and have a block of work experience. I accomplished these goals and then began considering starting a family. I never felt especially maternal and becoming a mother was not a natural progression for me. I am very happy that I did have children.
My Grandmother:
"Well, I really wasn’t influenced- it just happened. Was I prepared? No. I learned as I went along. Pregnancy wasn’t discussed by mother/daughter in the late 50’s/early 60’s. I did not know anything about what was about to happen. I just turned up pregnant and did the best that I could. I had never thought of being a mother…I thought about having a career. It never occurred to me that you could be a mother and also have a career."
2. How do you think race or sexual orientation impacts mothering? Or does it impact mothering?
My Mother:
"In terms of the 'skills' associated with mothering or the ability to nurture and care for a child- I don’t think race or sexual orientation makes a difference."
My Grandmother:
"I think that race may have some influences on mothering."
3. What is your definition of a “good” mother?
My Mother:
"To me, a good mother is someone who nurtures and protects her children. Someone who is consistent, provides a positive role model and loves her children is a good mother. A good mother is “present” with her children and gives them the foundation to become who they are."
My Grandmother:
"I think a good mother is one that loves her children more than anything else in the world. She would make any sacrifice to give them the important things in life. She would give them the proper training- teaching them to be truthful and honest, have good work ethics, have a Christian faith and make a contribution to the world to help others."
4. Are the challenges of mothering the same or different today (versus when you were a new mother)?
My Mother:
"I believe it is more complicated. There are so many pressures for children to grow up too quickly. Peer pressure, bullying, mixed media messages and competition in the classroom have all escalated in an unhealthy way in my opinion. I feel it is trickier for mothers to navigate all of these pressures. Couple this with the current economy and financial pressures- I think mothering/parenting is extremely difficult today."
My Grandmother:
"I think it is pretty much the same. In the era I had my children, most mothers worked. We have become accustomed to a lifestyle of two incomes in the family. One reason for this is that we wanted to provide more for our families than what we had growing up. Childcare was typically a neighbor to watch your children. There were no daycare or learning centers like they have today."
5. What forms of discipline does a “good” mother use?
My Mother:
"I do not believe it is ever ok to spank or hit another person. Re-direction and time out are strategies I think a good mother uses with younger children and then with older children, I think that grounding and putting special items like iPods/cell phones in time out could be appropriate."
My Grandmother:
"I don’t think this was good mother’s choice, but it was the only choice I thought I had--- spanking. I don’t see that as a good way of discipline today. I think when teaching children how to behave and make good choices that it is better to take things away that the child enjoys or maybe time out- I think that also works."
6. In your opinion, how important is it for a woman to be a mother?
My Mother:
"Becoming a mother is a personal choice. It is not the right choice or necessary for all women. I have and continue to support Pro-Choice."
My Grandmother:
"I think some women make better mothers than others and I think it is a choice. If you think you don’t want children, I think you should not have children. It would be hard to be a good mother if you didn’t want children. I think if you have the desire, regardless of your economic or educational situation, I believe you could be a good mother."
7. In your opinion, is a “blood” mother (birth mother) the same or different from an adoptive mother?
My Mother:
"I do believe that an adoptive mother can share the same connection and love that a birth mother has for a child."
My Grandmother:
"I think the only way that they actually differ is that the blood mother actually carries and delivers the child. My experience with adoptive mothers is that they wanted a baby so badly that they made wonderful mothers because of that strong desire. A natural mother has a baby- sometimes the baby is wanted and sometimes the baby is not wanted."
8. In your opinion, how does our society view an older mother (over age 35) differently that a younger mother (less than 35) how has an infant? Please elaborate.
My Mother:
"As an older expectant mother, I had “Advanced Maternal Age” stamped on my OB file. I think many people assume a woman has had fertility problems if she has her first infant at 35-40+. This was not the case for me and I did have people ask if it had taken awhile to become pregnant or was I too busy with my career. Many people are perplexed as to why some mother’s wait- I have often been one of the older moms in a school meeting or gathering. I think less educated people may view delayed motherhood differently. Actually, I think I am a better mother now than I would have been to a child when I was younger."
My Grandmother:
"I think it is more acceptable to be an older mother than years ago- in the past, people would look at the older mother with her child and wonder if the woman was the child’s grandmother. Today, life is about choices and some women decide to have a career first and then a family--- today that option seems more possible than years ago. Birth control was not as available or effective back in my day. I think that an older woman can be just as good or maybe better than a young mother because of life experiences."
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Read what other mothers have experienced in the generational divide in this blog entry called The Modern Mother at www.parenting.com.
